すばらしきこのせかい

2010-02-22T04:56:00.000-08:00

Well, spammers have taken over my blog.

Unless your reading this, in that case they haven't.

Love.

Thanksgiving in Japan

2009-11-23T05:38:00.000-08:00

I was worried I wouldn't be able to celebrate Thanksgiving this year since any Japanese person I talked to about it stared at me like a retarded kid with a physics problem, but low and behold luck was on my side.

I have made some awesome friends this year and spending Thanksgiving with them was wonderful. Even more so was the consuming of American food: mashed potatoes and gravy, rice-a-roni, spiced peaches, guiness-in-the-ass bbq turkey, stuffing, the list goes on and on. It was absolutely amazing. I don't feel like talking though so here are pictures instead.

(Food. Nomnomnomnomnom. We combined the glorious elements of American over-eating with the Japanese tradition of doing everything on the floor. Also, socks.)

(My plate of delicious eat-baggery, helping one. I couldn't be happier)

(No holiday is complete without argyle.)

I was planning on uploading another picture or two, but the computer wants to be a jerk about it, so I guess I won't. However I will say this weekend also included two pieces of bar bathroom writing that I found rather noteworthy. One was intellectual and said "The answer to 1984 is 1776" and the other was just awesome and said "Welcome to Mos Eisley" Win weekend.

Uh...wat?

2009-11-01T05:46:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine decided to take me to what could best be called a hippie organic food joint next town over tonight, and in an odd spark of randomness we decided to drive instead of take the train. Right as we got there the lights turned off, and a woman and two kids came downstairs. They told us to go up anyway, where we ran into the shop owner, who without a beat simply said "Ah hello! I'm going now. You have car? Come with! Please follow! Music outside, stop at convenience store and get a sandwich and drink ok? Let's go!"

...So we did. What we thought would be a small drive following a person we didn't know (sure to be a serial killer in any other country), turned into us following this family for about an hour into the forest and mountains, on roads small enough for just one car. It was raining heavily, yet when we arrived at this mystical destination, a campfire was going and there were 3-4 other Japanese people there, just sitting in the rain and enjoying the campfire. We didn't have umbrellas, so we wore plastic bags over our head, and they gave us Halloween witch hats to help block it out that much more. It was enjoyable. I'm still confused as to what just happened.

Yep. I know.

2009-10-27T02:54:00.000-07:00

It's been a while, but I'm both busy and lazy, a dangerous combination. I've been having good times with students, got to see our schools culture festival (Fun), and now have a super pervert kid who won't let up with asking me how much I "play sex" while showing me how much knowledge he has on the topic of stimulating a woman with your hands.

I also broke my phone again today (I've broken more phones in the 8 months here than 23 years living back home), this time in an 'earthquake car' hiding under a desk with three other students. It was lawl. Loner phone 2 go.

And despite the fact that there are so little drugs in this country one of my students has an extreme stoner laugh. She is double lawls and I want to adopt said child.

Speaking of which, I always thought it would be awesome to have lots of money and adopt a 17 year old while I was in the 18-20 range. I'd make sure it was someone cool so we could just hang out but it would be hilarious to say that he/she was my son/daughter without lying.

Octoberfest

2009-10-12T07:00:00.001-07:00

Yokohama. German drinking and eating. Amazing. I'll let the picture do all the talking.

Win.

Weekend Update (in Pog form)

2009-10-05T03:24:00.000-07:00

So much went on this week I'm just going to bullet point it out for you. Maybe pictures too if you're lucky. Get ready to have your socks blown off by just how awesome my life is.

(Thursday)

-Went on a hike with my second year Japanese students up a mountain. It was not only an amazing view but much nicer than sitting in school. Field trips FTW.

- I was rocking a pair of awesome shades so dope every student needed to try them on.

- Ran into a Canadian man with his Japanese wife while we were sitting down for lunch. The students started yelling at me to talk to him and we had a little conversation about where he's from. 70+ students break into tumultuous applause.

-One group of kids just wanted me to say perverted things the whole time. He got a hold of my phone and the first thing he did was try to take pictures of my junk.

-They were camping. Here. In this grassy fenced off building lawn. This is Japanese camping.

-From the top (camera doesn't cut it) you could see more than three whole cities. In the distance I saw a lone building that towered over everything else I could see. Turns out that's the daibutsu, a massive Buddha statue. MASSIVE. I'm too lazy to look but they were quoting me somewhere around 500+ feet tall. Japanese defense robots.

(Friday)

- Made hard boiled eggs and sat at home doing nothing.

END FRIDAY.

(Saturday)

- The next town over (Tsuchiura) has the biggest fireworks display in all of Japan. It goes from 6-9pm and they launch off over 800,000 fireworks. There were so many people crammed into this town that my phone literally stopped working due to too much interference.

-Biggest hamburger ever. And it was amazing. Bacon, Egg, Tomato, Bacon, Bacon, etc. The Japanese shouldn't be good at hamburgers, right?

- Found out the shouchuu I've been buying is actually for cooking and not for drinking, hence the 25% alcohol content. That's how I roll.

- Found a western style club with DJs and a sweet dance floor. Practically no one was there so we had to tear up the stage ourselves. There was a team dance competition and us whiteys couldn't keep up.

- Found a random street vendor and had a Kebab. I don't think I've eaten anything more delicious at 3:30 in the morning in my life.

- After way too much drinking, took a taxi home at 4:00 am. Only to...

(Sunday)

-Wake up at 10:00 am and head out to the Scottish Highland Games 2 hours out by train. (Which wouldn't be complete without a hangover)

- They had some drink called a "Ginger Whiskey". I think it's made of magic because one alone got me drunk. The three I had after that sent me on a magical wonderland of joy. I wish every day was the Scottish Highland Games. They're all so nice too, I got a whole bottle of unopened ginger ale afterwards just because they were closing up and I was chatting with them.

- They had bacon sandwiches I would kill a man for. So good.

-Log throwing. For Real.

- Haggis eating contest. Double for real. A young kid was in it. I wish I was that kid.

- Saw a Scottish man's penis. Turns out they really don't wear anything under that kilt.

- Had dinner at Outback Steakhouse. Rock on Japan.

- Got home at midnight still drunk somehow. Those Scottish drinks are magical.

Infruenza and you.

2009-10-02T05:04:00.000-07:00

The Japanese have a tendency to freak out over sickness. They wear masks that really don't do anything, they panic, then they drink all the alcohol they can to ward off the evil spirits of unhealthiness.

Whereas the rest of the world probably isn't caring about the new strain of Influenza enough, Japan is more than making up for this. This past week it finally hit our school, and the first thing I see when walking in is everyone wearing these masks. EVERYONE. Because a piece of paper over my mouth is going to stop microscopic death (the ministry of health even admitted they do nothing, but said "Hey, we should wear them anyway because who knows, it might help?"). A teacher ran up to me and asked if I had one of my own, then let me join the cool kids club.

(Casey workin' the beat like no one else can. Also: surgeon.)

Any classroom I entered was the same thing, and it almost made me feel like I was either a ninja, or in some secret cult where we shouldn't show our mouths to others. They've started a number of preventative measures, some of which make sense like washing your hands, but some seem to just confuse me. One of the big measures they're pushing is gargling and rinsing out your throat. They have pictures of Hello Kitto, Doraemon, Anpanman, and many more doing this. It will apparently save us. They also gave us this little flyer with many numbers and cute anime pictures on it, because it will surely get through to these middle school childrens.

(Notice the little picture in the corner of the kid with the giant needle. We were all issued those in case one of those germs grew to human proportions. No joke.)

They recently had an assembly for both this and another for drugs. They handed out more flyers and tried to use the same method of stats and pictures to prevent kids from doing anything evil. they were talking about how you will go insane and kill people, and to back it up there was a picture on the flyer of a crazed kid wielding a knife and running at someone. Propaganda FTW.

Music.

2009-09-27T05:51:00.000-07:00

I was in a nice new section of Tokyo a few days ago and found a literal gold mine of CD's for 100 yen each ($1USD). Immediately the jew in me went wild and I needed to procure any and every piece of below-cost entertainment I could get my hands on. Upon seeing the selection they had to offer, I became even more excited, not just at the joyous CDs of my youth, but at the fact that some of these I just had no choice in the matter but to buy, maybe because they are coming from Japan, maybe because they are just that *snicker* awesome. Let me share with you some of these:

The Sign (Ace of Base)

You can't be my friend and tell me you don't like Ace of Base. That would be like someone from PETA masturbating to dead puppies. It's just blasphemy.

Beautiful (Garbage)

I like Garbage, they hold a special place in my heart (the awesome chamber, just past the corroded artery).

Breakaway (Kelly Clarkson)

Look. I know I have a vagina ok? But it's a guilty pleasure and she will sit right there with Michelle Branch and Avril Lavigne on my wall of musical shame.

And the best. I can only think of this as finding a golden needle on a massive Kentucky farmland full of haystacks. Seeing this in Japan made me laugh so hard I couldn't say no.

Ricky Martin

I'm listening to Livin' La Vida Loca right now, and it's magical.

I'd also like to take this chance to say Blogspot is all wonky and I have no idea why. So if my blogs look weird, sorry.

What?

2009-09-24T05:17:00.000-07:00

Upon entering my once a week community Japanese class today, a few noticeable points of interest popped up. One of which was that at the end of class they normally set out some snacks for people, and this week was no exception, except that instead of the normal crackers or whatever they usually have they put out cold McDonald's fries.

On a platter.

Like, I'm talking at least 6 hours old.

It's not that I don't appreciate the effort, it's just that upon grabbing and biting into one I started laughing uncontrollably. It's such a weird thing to do that I just couldn't help myself.

Best of all is right before I left they said "Ooh! Look at this gift! You should take one, you can do many things with it!

Do you see this? Can you tell me what it is? Can you see the look of fear and discomfort in my eyes? Not to mention the fact that my face has grown wildly disheveled due to the constant stress and long nights of trying to figure out what the hell was given to me. T, this is all too much, I need to go lie down.

No one sues here.

2009-09-21T03:47:00.000-07:00

I went with a friend of mine to the next town over today, a little haven called Tsuchiura. According to ancient lore, this town used to be the prostitution capital of the country (though now it's been beat out by Osaka, thanks alot). Upon hearing this fabled news, I of course had to see the skanky scandalous part of town straightaway (All for the purpose of study of course. I mean, I did write over 40 pages worth of papers on the topic of Japanese pornography in college and it was that exhaustive amount of research alone that got me an A on every one.)

It's amazing how much they advertise right out in the open. People are on the street trying to pull men in to all sorts of places, from the women dressing up like schoolgirls or whatever else you'd like to 'soap houses', where the women lather you up and wash you with their 'oobies then give you a happy ending for an undisclosed price to be discussed after the dirty deed. Of course, because the two of us are foreigners we were pretty much ignored by everyone, since most of those places refuse to cater to gaijin.

I also noticed how amazing some of the signs were. Most were pretty generic pretty girls in "oops tee hee" sexy poses, but there were a few clubs that stood out. One I didn't get a picture of, but the sign was a girls 'private' area wearing only a thong. Ghastly, I know. There were six little wavy lines sticking out of the thong that showed the entrance price and time they were open and such, looking like hair. Lawls. Two of the others I am proud to announce I have taken pictures of for your pleasure.

They are masterfully worked, take special note of the color scheme and obvious copyright infringement:

(It might be a bit hard to tell, but aside from everything else being an exact match, this gentleman's club is spelled "Dizney". In the small letters above the name it claims itself to be a "Fresh Strawberry Oasis". I don't know what that means but I think I have to take my children here. It's just too hard to find good strawberries these days and kids need to eat more fruit.)

( Of course this is just awesome. I would spend every waking hour of my life in here if they all wore green suits and had little fairies floating around... y'know, if I was actually allowed in.)

Boosh.

Kids say the darndest things

2009-09-18T04:36:00.000-07:00

When you give Japanese children the freedom of creativity, most will sit there and do the bare minimum required in order to achieve an A, because straying from said path would be dishonor to their family and the gods, forcing them to commit ritualistic suicide. One piece of evidential proof on this matter is when asked "You have a girl/boy you like and want to be together! What will you do?" 95% of students said "Do nothing." This is why they have a negative population growth.

There are a few however (ironically the ones who are normally kinda jerks), who just don't care about such things. So when you let them loose they make me giggle like a little schoolgirl.

Take for instance a script today, in which a 35 year old "Mike's Father" has a conversation with 12 year old "Emi" (keep that in mind). In the book it reads:

(Dinner in America)

Mike's Dad: Please help yourself.

Emi: Thank you.

D: Would you like some more?

E: Yes, please. It's delicious.

D: What would you like to drink?

E: May I have some water?

D: Of course. Would you like another piece of cake?

E: No thank you, I'm full.

Now we take some of the awesome student versions

D: Please help yourself.

E: Thank you.

D: You shouldn't eat so much.

E: Mind your own business.

D: You will never get a date like that.

E: You are rotten!

D: Go away!

And another

D: Please help yourself.

E: Thank you.

D: Would you like to go out to dinner?

E: Ok, but nothing during the night.

D: We should enjoy the night together.

E: You are too old.

D: You hurt me. Eat more cake.

Less than three Awesome.

P.S. The teacher also used the sentence "Casey will fight a cute little bear." today. Thats how I roll.

Art.

2009-09-15T05:03:00.000-07:00

Students had to write a poem in English today that followed the system of:

1 word

2 words

3 words

4 words

1 word.

I never miss a chance to take out my artistic side for a spin and some fresh air, so I decided to join in on the fun.

Alderaan

The Force

Millions of voices

All were suddenly silenced

Ouch.

Now just imagine me shooting you a pistol wink after that and you've got yourself an orgasm in a box. Man I love the power of poetry.

Sing out, Sing out.

2009-09-12T04:14:00.000-07:00

Ever get the feeling the world is sometimes trying to send you a message all subtle-like? I have a feeling I'm getting one of those right now.

A few days ago, one friend on the ever glorious Facebook changed her status to "If you want to see out, sing out. If you want to be free, be free." Whatevs.

A couple days after that I had someone over who just happened to play that song. I did not know it was a song. Odd.

Yesterday another friend I was talking to randomly said it to me (none of these people know each other).

I get it world, but what the hell do you want from me?!

Conspiracy

2009-09-09T02:11:00.000-07:00

I just used a self check out machine for the first time at a grocery store.

I turned it to English for the fun of it, and a familiar voice spoke to me.

The same exact voice from the self check out machines in America. Saying the same exact things. Even the pictures were the same. The only difference is she added 'yen' at the end of prices.

This is a world class conspiracy. One I'm probably going to get wacked for.

Convenient Ways to Save, with your host Feeroy Bumkin

2009-08-30T02:19:00.000-07:00

Many may well be aware of my horrible inability to save money (thanks mom.) but I have since found at least one way to store up some spare change thanks to the wonderful convenience of the Japanese money system.

Japan is an almost entirely cash based society. Cards simply don't really work here. Because of this you have to make sure you always have a load of money on you at all times, which actually isn't really a big deal since this place is so safe.

Anyway, the other player in this dance of economic savings is the way Japanese currency works.

(500 yen notes just don't exist anymore. Plus they totally ruin my argument so they can go to hell.)

As you can clearly see from the high tech picture, 500 yen ($5) is the highest coin before you get into notes. It was suggested to me at training that I should simply not spend any of these coins, but instead save them in a magical place where they can later be traded for goods and services, almost like money.

I have followed suit with this idea, storing my precious munnies in a box that was not only economically sound:

(costing me a whole dollar. Sturdy too.)

But the top of the box also shows me how glorious my life will be once I have reached that saving nirvana.

Just look at that hat and cigar! And all those 0's after that 1. That's either a ton of money or they're trying to tell me something in binary. It may just be a small 5 dollars at a time, but in the 4 months I've been here, I've already managed to save over 300 dollars. I'm so close to fancy rich man I can just taste it.

Tokyo Nights, Act 1

2009-08-02T01:10:00.000-07:00

-Womb-
I went to a dance club in the Shibuya district of Tokyo called Womb. It is apparently one of the top 10 clubs in the world, and I can see why. It has three floors, each with it's own bar, and they all open up to the main floor so you can enjoy the music wherever you are. Doing something like this is nowhere near cheap however, as the cover to get in was 40 bucks alone (Though I suppose paying 40 dollars for access to a womb is pretty cheap by prostitute standards). The music played was a style known as "minimalist", and it was just that; techno that didn't really move beyond a very basic beat. I did enjoy meeting new people from all over the world and dancing with drunk Japanese dudes, but around 10 Tequila Sunrises and 3:30 am I had had my fill. I stumbled to one of the bathrooms and in a split second decision decided the trash was a much nicer place than the sink to puke up the orange/pink deliciousness I had consumed all night. As I was washing my face and hands a poor Japanese worker walked in to change said garbage can, and I'm pretty sure he was close to adding to the bag himself.

I ended up getting separated from my friend, so I grabbed our stuff out of the locker (including her god awful ugly purple purse I donned) and waited by the exit for her.

Not 20 minutes later I was kicked out of the club and asked to wait for her outside.

10 minutes after that, I was kicked BACK INTO the club and asked to wait for her inside.

An hour after that, I was once again kicked out (falling asleep probably didn't help) and forced to wait for her some more.

When we finally found each other my patience was at it's end and I simply wanted to sleep. However, being the wonderful gentleman I am, I dottled around with her new group consisting of French and Japanese peoples for another hour before we made the decision to find the nearest love hotel and sleep for a bit.

Love hotels (places couples go to either "Rest" or "Stay". i.e. quicky or a full 8 hours of fun) are by no means cheap, but judging from this first experience I would say they are the grown up version of Disneyland. We got a room which had a two person jacuzzi (hell yes we took a bubble bath), karaoke, a large flat screen plasma, games, and complementary anything you can think of. You either have time to have sex or play with everything offered there, but certainly not both. After passing out for 7 hours (no windows made it nice and easy to do so) we woke up around 2:00 pm before showering and leaving. Upon walking out the lady at the counter said "Otsukaresamadeshita!", which translates to "Thanks for the hard work!". No problem lady, just doing my part.

It's also interesting to note that never were we asked for a credit card, a name, or anything other than money. This place was fancy, so we could have easily broken/stolen/used for foul purposes everything in the room. The Japanese have a level of trust unrivaled. I think this is the one country where "Wallet Inspector" just might work.

Mt. Fuji

2009-07-28T02:33:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I went on a perilous journey to drop the one ring into the fires of Mordor. Except replace 'fires of Mordor' with 'top of Mount Fuji' and 'drop the one ring' with 'eat a sandwich'. Fuji stands as the highest point in all of Japan, sitting at 3,376 meters (11,076 feet). The pamphlet I received from the tourism board said to bring a number of things to be prepared for this hike, including: 2 liters of water, warm clothes, rain gear, gloves, money, first aid kit, walking sticks, etc.

I brought a head lamp.

The original plan was for me and my buddy from America (shout out to Cameron. Woot.) to climb the mountain during the night and make it to the summit to watch the sunrise, as many have done in the past. I had a dinner party with my teachers beforehand, so plans had to change a little. I.e. we both got hammered before leaving on this trip.

Being the bear of a man I am, I decided a mere t-shirt and pants would be more than enough for this hike, after all, it's hot as hell in this country right now. Cameron, being the smarter of the two of us was decently prepared, having brought a backpack and even a useful commodity known as money, something I seem to have forgotten in my drunken state. We did however bring a large bottle of shouchuu and orange juice, which helped us through what would become a 3 day journey.

The first hint of our hardship should have come probably around the time we arrived in the town of Kofu, a number of miles away from Mt. Fuji. I remember having heard it was near that town and we arrived around midnight or so (drinking still more on the train, we even got some of the Japanese to join in on our 4 liter jug with us). We walked for about 5 or 6 miles after getting directions before deciding it was simply too late and we should rest up for the night. Having no place to stay, we found a nearby bridge and a comfortable foundation of asphalt to rest our dreary heads upon. I kicked off my shoes and drunkenly slept a good three or four hours under a bridge (in fact close to a river for true hobo feeling). We awoke at 5:30 with terrible hangovers ready to redouble our efforts and hike the hell out of this mountain. Making our way back to the train station, we next headed to the town of Fuji, about two hours away by train. From that station, we got directions and were told to walk to another station a half hour from the one we arrived at. This new station informed us we would have to take a bus basically right back to Kofu (nearby) then another bus to the actual climbing point of the mountain. Let's jump ahead another 5 hours.

(A rare view of the hung over Casey in top form.)

Finally we arrive at the mountain. Right off the bat we know it's going to be way too cold, so Cameron is kind enough to purchase a pull over sweater for me to wear so I don't die. We finally started the climb at about 4:30 pm, 11 hours after waking up. The first 15-20 minutes of the hike is actually quite the push over, just a trail that ascends a bit is all. We thought we had it all figured out. As we made our way deeper in, we saw the true path that lie before us.

In all honesty, pictures can't do this jerk of a mountain justice. Can you see the top? You can't? Neither could we, because it's ABOVE THE GOD DAMN CLOUDS. If you look closely in the patch of green, going all the way up it are loads of buildings ("Stations" where people can spend 15 bucks for a can of oxygen or 5 bucks for a cup of Top Ramen. Really. You can also sleep there, as many do). Can't make out the buildings either? Yeah. Perspective.

The path changed as we made our way up, from a light incline, to a heavy incline, to steps, and eventually to being on all fours climbing up lava rock. We climbed for hours, passing people at each of the respective stations (some went on for a number of buildings, not just one each. I believe this is to deter us and make us want to kill ourselves.
"Oh we finally passed station 7 right?"
"No, station 7 continues straight up for the next 7 city blocks."
"Oh good, thank you." *Jumps off nearest cliffside*)

(Quite the beautiful view but again pictures don't do justice. See the orange building looking things down the path? 25 foot tall walls. Massive things. Buildings, pfft. You should be ashamed for thinking that.)

Speaking of jumping off cliffs, some parts of the path become seriously dangerous. Take into account things like the wind trying to push you off the side with the lack of a railing and narrow paths dropping to the abyss on one end, you have yourself something right out of Indiana Jones. We finally made it to the top of station 9 around 8:30 pm. Station 9 is the last station. Station 9 is not the top of the mountain. Station 9 was simply our last bastion of hope against the ever swelling winds and he fact that it was starting to rain. Everyone else on the mountain decided it would be a fools move to continue the way things were, so they checked in to their sherpa huts and called it a night. I think it was made clear earlier we were in fact idiots. For the rest of the hike, Cameron and I were in fact higher than anyone else in the country (from sea level you damn druggies). We climbed through the clouds, the rain, the dark, the wind, cursing every step of the way with our fancy head lamps and soaked clothes and 'effed up knees, but we finally made it, and no one was even close to us. (10:30 pm, 24 hours after starting the journey)

(Forgive the poor picture quality. At this point we simply said "Let's take a picture of us at the top of the mountain. Whatever. Good. We leave now.")

We made our way back down still holding high hopes of reaching the bottom and returning home victorious, but fatigue caught up with us, and about a third of the way down we decided to sleep in one of these ever so evil huts. They simply threw down a sleeping bag in the main room, pulled a sheet across where we were, took all our money (Well Cameron's. I'm broke remember?) and bid us adieu. It was cold, our clothes were soaked, and sleeping was more challenging than you might think.

Being woken up at 6 the next morning, we were forced to don on our still soaked clothes and continue down in what had now become a downpour. I had to steal more of Cameron's money to buy rain gear for myself, and I assure you I've never looked gayer wearing it. We climbed for a number of hours and finally made it back to the 5th station. Then taking a bus and a few trains, we made it back to Kofu, where we would meet a friend for a well deserved onsen dip. Around 4:30 pm we met up, grabbed food, and found a nice hot spring on top of a hotel. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world to actually take a shower, and I felt like a million dollars until I had to put those same clothes I'd been wearing back on (this time without the socks because they were ruined). We made our way back to the train station, said goodbye, and hopped back on the next liner home around 8:00 pm, with plenty of time to rest before work the next day.

At least, that's how a happy story would have gone. Instead however the train decided to stop at 11:30 a half hour out from my house. Asking around, we found out the next train wouldn't be until 5:40 am and we had no money, so we found a joyous baseball dugout with benches far too small to support sleeping and tried to get some shut eye. This didn't work too well, but we somehow made it back to the train station, on the first, train, I showered, and made it to work.

That was my weekend, and that's why Mount Fuji is a bitch. Thank you.

The Government

2009-07-14T05:08:00.000-07:00

I have a theory. I've been in Japan long enough to know spiders are absolutely everywhere. In fact, on my apartment building just walking to my room I saw no less than 4 huge webs and a number of gargantuan spiders. I think this is because the country is in fact led by the giant Queen Arachnid herself. Just follow me here. The Japanese don't kill spiders, they let them roam as they please, and three times a day they all stop what they are doing and in unison pray in the same direction, chanting "Praise be to the eight legs of benevolence."

...Just sayin'.

The Onsen

2009-07-07T03:33:00.000-07:00

This weekend marked the first magical road trip of what I hope becomes a somewhat regular occurrence. It started on a Friday night, where much to my surprise I ended up with a great deal of people occupying my itty bitty living space. Seven to be exact. Which for this pad is quite a bit. Being the gentleman I am, drinks were offered all around.

I want to note here that I never dreamed there would be more than two people in my house at any given time, so my house is a proverbial Noah's Arc of household things. I have two cups, two pots, two spoons, etc. I had a guest drinking out of a measuring cup, some drinking out of bowls, and I was sporting a fine Tupperware container myself. Anyway, we hit up karaoke that night, had a great time, then made our way back home and welcomed the sweet embrace of sleep. The next morning we woke up around 11 or so and started our trek (Two handsome young studs from Reno and two wonderful madams from Virginia or some place I don't know), having not done any research as to where we would find these magical onsen (hot springs). It was a fun filled road trip, and I eventually broke down and even bought a map!

(Fine Karaoke scenes.)

Then we finally found one. It had a beautiful view overlooking a river, and I just want to mention here how great casual nudity is. There is far too much of a stigma back in the states concerning this, and I'm glad here it isn't a big deal. I really wanted to find a co-ed onsen, which are rather common in this country, but we had little luck. Either way the first one was still Amazing.

... So I've been trying to write this for a week or so now, and it's just not happening like it should be. Maybe the Fuji update will come soon (some good stories there), but for now, convenient bullet point form will serve purpose and get all this damn clutter up out my computer.

-After onsen one in Oyama, we trecked it all night until we got to another famous land known as Nikko. We literally drove through Jurassic Park to get there, and it was an intense journey full of Veloceraptors and Carpet salesmen.

-When we arrived in Nikko, everything was closed except for one creepy indian place where we were basically forced into starting a drive "a mere half hour that way. Just zig zag. Stay with my business. You want? Of course you do. No, you want. Leave now! ZIG ZAG!" After the drive (we somehow found the way) we crashed in a rather large and cozy hostel, not wanting to sleep in a common room we sprang for beds. That is an amazing thing here by the way.

-The next morning we got up and looked around a bit. After some searching we found one more onsen (not to mention an absolutely beautiful waterfall), and it was literally two little rooms (one for men and one for women) in a shrine. These were sulfur baths, and the smell was horribly putrid. I'll also note the water was 175 F walking into it. My legs had a distinct red line right before the junk because I couldn't bring myself to drop in until we cooled the water a bit somehow.

(Waterfalls and family portraits)

-Some other stuff ended up happening I'm sure, but I don't remember and I'm tired. But for mine and your enjoyment, here are naked girls in the sulfur onsen. Don't say the Casey never giveth. (Also, the Gundam story involved hours of trudging through the rain to get to it. Pretty sweet though, huh? Here's another picture of that too just because I love you.)

Next time: Mount Fuji - This guy is a bitch, I'm still recovering.

The Excuses.

2009-07-02T08:27:00.001-07:00

Look, I'm writing more blogs right now, I'm just lazy, so bear with me. Here are some pictures to pass the time while you wait. Just think elevator music.
(Picture a girl at school took of me on my phone. I didn't even know it could do this.)

(Some posters hanging up at my school. They are nice, but have a creepy Chinese Propaganda feel to them. This one says "Beautiful School, Beautiful Heart.")

("Greetings are always energetic!" On the plus side, I think the kids drew these, so at least they aren't outsourcing jobs. These aren't prime examples per-se, but some of these kids are insanely good artists.)

(And a tease for those of you who haven't seen it. Yes, that is a full sized Gundam behind me. 58 feet tall. I told you all they were real.)

The Foul Mouth

2009-06-16T01:52:00.000-07:00

Another one of those things I love about Japan is that swearing in Japan really isn't. If there is one thing I have preached for years, it's that people getting offended over someone swearing is stupid, because it's usually not directed at anyone in particular and we are just taught to be offended by it without any solid reason behind the prejudice for words.

Why someone gets offended when I say "THAT'S FUCKING AWESOME." is in my opinion "FUCKING STUPID." and I could talk about it for hours, but I won't (consider yourself lucky).

Back to the positive refreshment that is this post, I have been noticing over the past couple of days just how little the Japanese care about swearing. The Japanese still hold the intention to a much greater weight than they do the words themselves. For instance, I've heard teachers forget something and say "Shimatta! (Damn it!)" or "Kuso! (Bullshit!)" right in front of the class and no one things anything of it. It's in fact much (much much much much) more offensive to tell people (I forget the actual translation, but roughly) "You were poorly made". It's like killing a woman's children right in front of her then spitting on her just to top it all off.

Have I also mentioned you can see the word "Fuck" written everywhere? From T-shirts kids wear to signs and TV. The last time I was at Tokyo Disneyland, I saw a girl wearing a shirt that said "All I need is crack n' a fucking blowjob." Classy.

Anyway, I explained to a group of girls today what dung meant because they had written it on the board not knowing what they wrote. I only know how to say poop in the classiest of Japanese forms however (unko = shit.) so they became awfully interested in learning all they could about it. I noticed one of the girls had also drawn Winnie the Pooh and Piglet as well, so I jumped on the chance to explain Poo = unko as well. Even the teacher was amazed by this and they had me teach them the varying levels, such as poop, crap, dung, shit, etc. They ran up to the girl I find to be hilarious and explained to her how Winnie the Pooh (who they call Pooh-san) has crappier meanings hidden within. She stopped for a second, stared blankly ahead, and said "Pooh-san is Unko-san? Unko-san... I loved Unko-san..." Mere writing can't describe how funny it was, so really this post is meaningless...sorry.

In a related topic of the day, I was reading the sentences children just wrote in class, and saw one of them wrote "Could you please go to hell?" I found this hilarious, and so did the teacher, so she read it out loud to everyone. If I wrote that when I was in junior high, I would have been kicked out of school and castrated...

Long story short I like stuff here.

The Hunt for Gold

2009-06-07T15:05:00.000-07:00

Back in 2007, my good friend Kevin and I made an attempt to immortalize ourselves in Japan forever. Instead of taking the well beaten path of curing cancer or seeing how many we could kill before being put down, we took a third path: seeing how many brain cells we could kill in a night and being rewarded for it.

How does this tie into today's story? Well, I guess I just suckered you into reading the rest of this post to find out (I use this technique to score girlfriends too, you'd be amazed).

The night started with heading to Tokyo to chill with a fine ALT friend (and recent guest of the podcast, plug successful!), Meredith. We headed to a smaller chunk of town called Ebisu and had ourselves a fine meal complete with girly foo foo drinks, gyoza (pot stickers), shrimp balls, and just to top it off, some delicious shark fin pot stickers (tasty stuff, first time having it. Kinda crunchy being cartilage and all). After that we made our way to Roppongi, the 'let's rape foreigners of their money' district I've visited once before. I remembered the name of the location to which Kevin and I attempted to take on God himself, so started searching for it.

In our journey to find this holy land, my companion and I walked into a pet shop which was great, until we saw a picture hanging which alerted us to the fact that Paris Hilton had recently spent time in the very same spot. We quickly ran out and I haven't felt clean ever since... in fact, I'm pretty sure my IQ has permanently dropped by 20 points and I now have herpes. Either way, we then bought an alcoholic beverage from the AMPM (which we drank on the street because it's ok here and thats amazingly awesome, even walked by a number of cops) an set off once more. After leading her around for a while randomly, we finally found it; the American shot bar known as Geronimos. Inside things were largely unchanged, I even saw the British lady I met two years back, though she was drunk and didn't remember me at all. Meredith and I grabbed some drinks and started scanning the walls, ever searching for the fruit of my accomplishments from years past.

Then it was found.

(My face is always red in this damn country.)

Awarded for each taking 20 shots in one night (it's since either been lowered to 15, or we were a lot more drunk than we thought), we received not only oversized T-Shirts, but these amazing plaques on the wall. Rock on. Were we not crunk however, maybe we would have written something witty or funny in some way. I did see another one ot these that had the awesome phrase "I just needed a new T-Shirt" written on it, hilarious.

After a drink or two we headed down to catch the last train, but wanted a picture of the two of us in front of the Geronimos sign first. We asked the first random group who walked by (ironically foreigners) and were subsequently mobbed by them. It was awesome and I want to hang out with these guys some more, funnest 5 minutes with a group of old dudes ever.

We did end up scoring one of their numbers, so hopefully we can par-tay with these fine fellows again. Other than that I don't have anything witty to go out on, sorry.

The Mean Ones

2009-06-02T01:51:00.000-07:00

I was walking out of the teachers room today when another teacher was about to walk in. He stopped, moved out of the way, and gestured me to go first. I bowed a bit, said 'Aa, arigatou, sumimasen!' (Oh, thank you, excuse me) and walked out. As I was walking out I heard one of the students leaning up against the wall right next to us (not one I normally talk to. I guess this is why) basically mock exactly what I had just said then spat out "He can't even speak Japanese worth a damn" in Japanese under her breath to no one in particular. As I was walking by I turned and looked at her for a sec, and I guess one of the teachers noticed that, because he started yelling either "Nan de?" or "Nan da?" at her in a "Why would you even say that?" tone.

Nice to know someone has got my back I guess. Damn girl made me self conscious about talking in Japanese to any of the students for the rest of the day though. It's also comforting to know that even though I can't speak the language well, at least I'm starting to understand it, right? Woo!

Also, here's the first ever picture taken of me by a Japanese school girl. I call it "The First Ever Picture of me Taken by a Japanese School Girl". Hopefully it brightens things up a little. Enjoy.

The Random Posts Continue

2009-05-26T03:05:00.000-07:00

First things first!

(I'm plugging the hell out of this whether you like it or not.)

(Look at this, we even have a professional logo! How can you say no?)

As I'm sure you can't get enough of my beautifully written poetry, now you can bask in my serene voice as well! The podcast is finally up and running, ready for your ever eager ears. Just follow the link below for instant iTunes satisfaction, or type in "East Meets Midwest" in the iTunes store search bar. Thank you, I love you, and on with (what I guess we can consider) the show.

http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=317451367

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As it turns out, I'm still too lazy to write about the sports festival. I'll probably forget what it even is by the time I get around to writing about it, but just to keep you coming back (like the suckers you are), I'll post some random stuff I've taken note of.

-I've been told "I love you" more from people who can't even speak my language in the past two months than from lovers my whole life. The majority of these come from 2 people in particular. One is a first year boy who (damn him to hell) is just a cm or two away from being my height. He's funny, tries to talk a lot in English, and is exactly the type of kid I wish I was; someone who just didn't give an eff about what anyone else thought. During the sports festival he was the one kid who would jump up and start cheering at the top of his lungs about how awesome his class was when they just got done losing. In fact, he reminds me of a cho genki version of Kasuga (dude in the pink) from the comedy duo Odori Kasuga.

I actually find this guy pretty funny, so it works out well.

The other professor of their undying love for me is a third year girl who I think is entertaining just to be around. Everytime I see her she yells "OH HI KEISHI!" and does a twirl whilst waving like a drugged out princess. Everything she does has what would be a strangely sexual nature to it ("Oh yeah! I like it! Ooh!" <--sensual sounding over the internet, I know), but she somehow pulls it off to just be hilarious instead. She's actually the one who got punched in the baby maker from my previous tales. I need to make up some sort of name for her. - These next few weeks are practice for the upcoming prefecture-wide "Interactive Forum", where groups of three students are taken from each school and forced to sit in front of a bunch of people and have a natural conversation in English...fun. Either way, I'm a part of the training and today's topic was "Which do you like better, summer or winter?" The conversation mainly drifted to how summer was better because they had such a long summer vacation (about a month), even if there was loads of homework during it. The instigator side of me kicked in today, and just to see their reaction I told them in Japanese "In America, summer vacation is THREE months, and there is NO homework." I watched their faces drain, I felt their dispair kicking in. It's like just buying a brand new car you've always wanted, then having a monster truck drive right over it. I was bombarded with "Eeeeh?!" and "Nan de?!?!?" for a while, and all I could do was laugh. I'm a terrible person.

-Today a group of girls were having a strip war, i.e. they fought to make the other person flash more of what was under their skirt (they always have their gym shorts on under, no worries) and attempt to take off the most of their rivals school uniform. I have mixed feelings about this. Part of me found it funny, part of me found it awesome, part of me found it erotic, and part of me realized they were only 14. I think the jury is still out on the final verdict.

-We have a group of 5 student teachers here for a few weeks, fresh out of undergrad. they seem alright, the 2 girls won't really talk to me, but 2 of the guys are pretty cool. Point of the story is though, that the students flip the shit out over these guys. I watched as the girls got one of their autographs, then talked about it for the next 45 minutes in a circle, each showing off the same autograph. They were giggling while talking about how cute and amazing he was, while tracing his autograph with their fingers. Wow. Just wow.

The Change/ The Brazilian

2009-05-19T04:51:00.000-07:00

DISCLAIMER: The following section isn't humorous, it's an interesting (IMO) observation. If you want something titillating to read, scroll down to the second part of this, or better yet, go to a site that's actually funny.

In the past week or two I've noticed a few odd things changing in my Japanese ability. First of all, I've stopped translating simpler sentences or phrases in my head, I simply know what they mean. I find this absolutely fascinating since this is a whole new world to me. Of course I still need to think about the more complicated stuff, but this is a good start. I've also had one of my first dreams (at least that I can remember) where some of it was in Japanese. This whole concept of actually knowing, in practical use and not just as a school subject, is simply amazing to me.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm still not saying I know the first thing about Japanese. If there was a scale of 1 - 100 I think I would put myself at a noob (potentially the millionth official word in the English language...no really.) 10. Though for reference I would say my English speaking ability is only somewhere around 75-80, as I haven't mastered the intricacies of it. But five years of studying it (and not nearly as seriously as I would have liked due to a. being young and lazy, b. being bogged down by other subjects, and c. focusing on the grade rather than learning the language) I haven't learned (or at least retained) nearly as much as I have in just these past few months. My goal is to be conversationally fluent by the time I have been in this country one year, and for the first time since getting here, I get random intervals of feeling it might actually be possible. The fact that I was able to somehow survive for the whole night in the story below without anyone who spoke English blows me away. I honestly have no idea what I even talked about (probably nothing, considering the copious amounts of alcohol I consumed.)

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FOR ANY OF YOU WHO DARED NOT GAZE UPON THE ABOVE BORING VOID, here is your story. Enjoy.

After the Sports Festival (update on that to come in a little bit), there was a congratulatory booze and bite party that oddly enough contained not only teachers, but the parents of students as well. Good luck finding that in America.

Much like the enkai, there was amazing food and all I could drink. Unfortunately this time I was started by hearing them continually tell me how I am so "strong with my alcohol!", and being the kind gentleman I am, I didn't want to disappoint. I was pouring down booze as fast as they could refill my glass (and let me tell you, it wasn't ever empty). I had some good talks with the teachers and even the principal, learning some stuff along the way. I even ate some sort of shellfish thing that doesn't have an English equivalent of a name. It...wasn't great. As the night went on, many uber drunk parents made their way up to me and we talked for a bit, it was quite interesting.

Eventually I made my way with a few of the other teachers to the ni ji kai (the second party) which was a Japanese-run snack bar called Linestone (I think they may have meant Limestone, ne?). It was unlike the last snack bar I went to, instead much classier and the most amazing thing to me was that the girl who was placed between me and the temp student teacher who's birthday it was (more on that later) had a glowing drink, much liked the one below (but cooler, as there wasn't a random girl I don't know ruining it's perfection, and it glowed a bunch of different colors)

Either way, I was decently tanked by this point, and the fact that I was downing all the shouchuu they gave me by the gallonful didn't help. The two main things I remember coming out of my mouth continually in Japanese were "That's the coolest freaking drink ever!" and "You just turned 22?! I thought you were my sempai (social senior)!" I think I might have been louder than I had anticipated however, because in what seemed quite a short time, everyone had broken up and I was being dropped off at home (this would be fine, but I saw them out again later in the evening, leading me to believe I was ditched. I'll never know though, because the Japanese keep secrets like the Nazis hold a grudge).

When I got home I hopped on my computer and noticed it wasn't even 11:00 yet. In my perfect-logic mind at the time, that meant I needed to go out again of course. I started walking to the original snack bar I went to (don't ask me why, I just think I didn't know anywhere else to go) when I ran into an older Japanese man and he started talking to me. A few seconds later, the random Brazilian man who had been peeing in the middle of the street walked up too, and the three of us talked for a bit (he only spoke Spanish and Japanese, how awesome is that?). I was mighty impressed with this foreign fellow, so I said we should both grab a drink together and we made our way to the snack bar. As mentioned earlier, when I walked in I saw two of the teachers sitting there, and they were mighty surprised to see me there. I don't think I was really offended at the time, and maybe am still not now, since knowing the Japanese, they might have even been looking out for me, who knows? Either way, my answer to the query of showing up was that "I just thought it was still too early." I rock this whole party thing.

Thankfully it was the Mama-san's birthday, so there was all the karaoke and food you could consume for free. I liked this. We even met a Japanese business man who was a total hoot, and I remember some sort of sexual conversation and me pretending to grab his nipples with a pair of chopsticks. I'm glad laughter is a universal language, as all three of us found it great. The woman "stationed" with us didn't seem to be having such a great time, but whatever, she's getting paid for it. I would also like to note that I think I drank EVEN MORE here than the other two places combined, by a long shot. The Brazilian man and I hung out until they closed at 3:30 or so, and then kept drinking for a bit in the middle of the street for another hour I would guess. It was getting bright out when we finally went our separate ways, and the next time I wanna have a drink I am definitely calling that man up again, but hopefully this time without spending so much money.

I fell asleep at 5:00 give or take, and didn't wake up again until 3:30. I had the most horrible hangover ever and wanted to die.

UPDATE- I was apparently more drunk than I thought, because until I saw this on my phone I didn't remember even taking a video. Wow.

Anyway, here's the drink in all it's glory. You can hear me in the background being an obnoxious American. I was way more drunk than I thought. Japan, I apologize.

Mission Accomplished.

The Silent Word War

2009-05-13T03:42:00.001-07:00

Sitting at lunch today with the chillins' was an awesome time. I actually was laughing along with them, and it makes me want to hang out with Jr High students...is that creepy?

There were two girls and two guys sitting at my table, and the girls were intrigued as to my Japanese speaking ability. They were asking me questions and having a good time until the boys came back with their food. I then starting learning a joyous flurry of insults that they were laughingly throwing out at each other. I knew enough phrases that they continued to be entertained by me, and when I didn't know something, thankfully I could just look it up on my phone (which me having a phone just impressed them even more, awesome).

At one point (in one of the coolest acts I have ever seen a 13 year old do) one of the guys simply took his bread and stared unblinking at one of the girls while taking bites. Not in a staring contest manner either. I'm talking about the "If there weren't laws in place stopping me, you have no idea what I'd do to you right now" sort of look. It was downright hilarious. She couldn't seem to find enough words to describe the chills running down her spine, so I did my part and taught her how to say "creepy" and what it meant. I think I've officially contributed to the youth of the nation now.

Anyway, some of the words they threw out I knew (such as etchi and hentai, both meaning basically meaning pervert, and baka, the generic jack-of-all-trades for insults) but like I said I learned a bunch. Lets review.

unko - poop.

(that big pink swirly there is a common Japanese representation of poop...just FYI..)

nikibi - pimples.

kintama - golden balls (hilarious, as a guy was calling a girl this and I don't get how it's that insulting)

My favorite of the insults however was one thrown out in English, from one of the guys to a girl. He looked at me, pointed at her, thought for a second, then yelled out "Head on white powder!"

I was laughing so hard I had to put my food down and take a minute to collect myself. This country is awesome.

Later in the day we were all practicing for the upcoming Sports Festival, and it being a hot day I took off my jacket, revealing my (totally hip mind you) Pokemon shirt I happened to be wearing. When I realized this I thought I would get made fun of a bit, but as it turns out I'm now the coolest kid in school. Thank god some of the Pokiemans names are the same in English and Japanese, otherwise I'd have no idea what they were saying when every student kept pointing at my shirt and yelling things.

(The shirt that made me a star)

My Pokemans.

Let me show you them.

The Debauchery

2009-05-11T05:00:00.000-07:00

So I've really started paying attention and learned a couple things in the past few days. One is that Japanese children are amazingly rambunctious. I've seen it for a while now, but it really only set in within the past couple days just how hopped up on some sort of drug these kids have to be. In their 10 minutes between classes (I think I've mentioned they stay in the same class room all day, and if not, they stay in the same class all day) they turn into that dog of yours when you finally let him out for the day after being locked in the bathroom the whole time you were at work for leaving a deuce in your slippers. Here are some of the fine examples I've witnessed and chronicled.

-I saw a group of guys using desks and trying to create their own human pyramid. I should note the school is all hardwood floors, so when they finally fall it will be quite the satisfying sound.

-Kids run away from each other faster than Oprah on cake (or cake on Oprah). This would be fine but they scream through the halls and doorways with reckless abandon. I've almost become a victim of this hooligan hit-and-run a number of times.

-Today two kids were rolling around on the floor wrestling. One pinned the other and started tickling him. He screamed "Casey! Casey! Help me! Save me!" as I walked into the class. Doing what any self-respecting foreigner would do, I stood there and watched. I looked up at the teacher not a foot away from them, who looked up at me and simply said "These kids are so childish."

I'm amazed they can just do as they please. I approve of this for a number of reasons however, including 1. Just because they are kids doesn't mean they can't have responsibility. 2. They don't cause any real harm. and 3. They clean the whole school anyway, so who cares?

The real coup de grâce however was to be had as I walked into another one of my classrooms today. One of the girls I really like (because shes cool. Get your mind out of the gutters perverts, shes like 13) was walking up to me to say hi when out of nowhere a falcon punch tagged her square in the mama machine. I stared in disbelief not simply because of the sight I had just witnessed, but because in spite of her slowly toppling over whilst trying to clutch what was remaining of her ovaries, she still managed to not only say hello to me, but also answer "I'm...uh...疲れた(worn out)." when I asked how she was doing before finally succumbing to the fatal blow.

This got me to thinking, and I obviously had to look up a bit of information on how bad a girl no-no blow hurts compared to the infamous capital of Thailand (Bangkok for any of you lacking in the geography field).

Turns out it does, and I have video surveillance to prove it.

(Look at that face. Ain't no way shes faking that sort of pain. Also note how professional his form is while dropping the patriarchal ban hammer.)

So next time you're thinking about dropping a peoples elbow on some girls baby maker, give it a second of consideration. Would you want to be tagged in your mean bean machine? It's not just them you're hurting, but everyone around you too.

The Golden Week Hiatus

2009-05-07T01:05:00.000-07:00

So this past week was "Golden Week", the most anticipated and famed holiday break of the Japanese calendar year. It's a Saturday to Wednesday party fest with "Constitution Memorial Day", "Greenery Day", and "Children's Day" filling up the girth of this proud beast. People from all over the world know it in fact, and I finally got to experience this joy for myself.

Other than the trains being way too busy, it was pretty much just an extended holiday. It still feels pretty swell being something I've heard of for so long though. I don't have a fancy story to go along with this, but I am using it as an excuse for not having written anything the past couple of days.

I did go to Tokyo one night, just to flavor this little piece of heaven I'll put up some of those pictures. Nothing too special happened, just drank with other spiffy ALTs I know, did some karaoke, and pulled an all nighter til the 9 o clock train got me home in the morning (The beer is awesome though, talk about a graduated cylinder). Oh, and drinking on the street is legal here. Score.

See how cool I am? Don't you feel better I put pictures in now?

I did get back to work today though, and as I walked into class a girl ran up to me and started combing my hair with a pink sparkly comb. It was kinda awkward, but I'd rather have that than them all running in fear at my presence.

I also noticed today that some of my random scribblings, notes with Japanese words and the translations for them, had some stuff written on them I didn't remember writing. As I looked closer, a word or two was misspelled and one of the teachers saw this and wrote down the right spelling while I was gone.

I like these people.

The Enkai. Or The Longest Blog Ever. (I'm sorry in advance)

2009-05-03T00:00:00.000-07:00

The 宴会 or Enkai, which roughly translates to "best thing in the whole damn world", is a spectacular feast of all you can eat (tabehoudai) and all you can drink (nomihoudai). This one in particular I recently attended was in honor of the new teachers to the school (myself included, woo!) and the start of a new term. We paid a set fee of 5000 yen ($50.00 USD) beforehand at school, then later that night prepared to party hearty.

Since the teachers knew I would be drinking, one of them who wasn't going to be was kind enough to pick me up right by my house in her car and drive us both there (Japan has a 0% alcohol tolerance for driving and riding a bicycle). We talked a bit (amazing, with my poor skill'z') and when we got there we sat around a bit waiting for everyone to filter in. There are places which specially cater to enkai, and as such aren't much more than one big room with tatami mats and a bunch of tables pushed together that are way too low to the ground. It's also interesting to see a bunch of men in suits sitting on the floor talking and eating.

(Much like this, but everyone sat together at one big table)

Finally once everyone got there the new teachers took turns giving a little speech while everyone else sat painfully in seiza (that Japanese style of sitting on your legs that makes you want to die after just a minute or two). I had to get up and say something too, but not being all that great at the language of the rising sun, I only managed a humble: "This is my first time living in Japan. Uhh... My Japanese isn't very good, but I'm studying everyday because I want to be able to talk to all of you. Thank you."

Once that was all said and done with, we got down to the eating. The food they had there was nothing short of incredible, and most of it was pretty dang tasty to boot. I had no idea what most of it was, but some of the stuff I did know was (* denotes raw because it will be repeatitive quick) *octopus, many amazing cuts of unknown *fish, *squid, *shrimp, and *(insert name here). They also had some great deep fried lemon shrimp, and a number of rather tasty edible plants.

One thing in particular that I found rather amazing was a scallop and shrimp soup that they set out but hadn't been cooked yet. Each person got some in, literally, a bowl of paper over a sort of super candle. When they lit the candle, it burned quite hot for about 5-10 minutes then went out, but in that time brought the soup to a boil and cooked it. Both the paper (just as thick and the same texture as normal textbook paper, but somehow made so it doesn't burn when water is in it) and the candle are apparently some sort of Japanese invented magic.

The beer that had was Yebisu and Asahi, both delicious choices. One thing rather special to Japan is the idea that you never EVER pour your own drink. Everyone pours for everyone else and that's just the way it is, gosh darn it. Every time I took even a sip of beer someone had a bottle over my glass, topping me off. This was both a blessing and a curse. On one side of things, it's rather polite, and makes me feel all fuzzy inside seeing people look out for each other so. On the other hand, they also picked up quickly on the fact that I was no amateur boozer so they continuously praised and tested me. This only served to stroke my ego and make me drink more of course. Teachers started coming over telling me gan gan (basically "chug the whole glass", though the glasses are all only about 8 oz. each) and were quite impressed when I did, pouring me more of the sweet liquid bread. They also started offering me shouchuu (the Japanese equivalent of vodka) made right in my town.

I started getting into a few good conversations with the two teachers I really hoped were cool, and we talked about a number of things before they finally told me "We will take you to the 'deep side' of Japan!" and opened my eyes to the one thing better than an enkai: the nijikai (second party).

After the enkai wrapped up, I hopped in one of the cool teachers cars and we made our way to a snack bar, this being one they frequented. Some of the ladies ran out yelling "Sensei! Sensei!" (Teacher! Teacher!) and walked us up to the place, giving us a prime table. Once we sat down, the Philipino employee lady-types swarmed us as is custom in these places and offered us all the shouchuu we could drink for the low low hourly rate of way too much, but I was having a good time none the less. I must say now that none were all that attractive, save for the mama-san (owner lady of the bar), who was not only very (and I rarely use the term) beautiful, but also quite elegant in her demeanor. I was rather impressed with her and had a very good conversation (not even her flirting at all!) before she had to get up and attend to other customers.

I was having an awesome time talking with the Philipino ladies because most not only spoke Japanese, but English as well, so it was an awesome chance to improve. One of the older ladies was absolutely hilarious, shouting to me while dancing "Oh my God! I think I love you! We should get married! Yes, I profess my love to you now wonderful man!" She won my admiration just with sense of humor alone. Of course, some of the other girls tried sitting next to me an flirting a bit and, like last time, in my drunken state of knowing they are simply paid to do it, I didn't care too much. I just wanted to practice talking so it worked out perfectly though.

I ended up talking a bit more with some of the teachers too, finding out one was a nerdy game lover like myself and allowing my inner pent-up nerd to come out. We sang a whole host of karaoke, which is in more of an American big lounge style, but you have wireless mics from your seat and a wireless transmitter with all the songs you can think of. At one point in the night, I became confident (and drunk) enough to try my hand singing Japanese songs. This was a mistake. Between bouts of apologizing for not knowing a kanji or being able to read fast enough was a whole lot of mumbling into the microphone. I'm sure I looked great.

Many of the songs I did sing however came straight outta Rock Band (I'm jonesin' for some bad!) and included (but not limited to) The Killers, Bon Jovi, Gorillaz, The Brilliant Green, and (because I'm totally not gay) the opening to Evangelion and the song from Final Fantasy VIII "Eyes on Me" together with the awesome nerd teacher.

Things were wrapping up, the place was closing, and during the last song (Xanadu. I did not pick this.) I got pushed up to the stage by the ladies and started singing. Two of the women started dancing up close and 'gettin dirty on the dance floor' next to me, and that was fine. It was when one of them suddenly full on grabbed by dijeridoo and started molesting me that things got a bit weird. As shes going to toen hardcore style (and I mean wow) on the Captain, she grabs my hand and throws it on her boob. That's fine and dandy I spose, I'm honestly so drunk that I was just trying not to screw up the words to Xanadu and make myself look bad, so I was really focused. I snapped out of that focus when she moved my hand down under her dress, full contact save for a pair of panties between (of course while still groping me). Now, this lady was probably in her thirties, and not too attractive, and I don't know if she was just trying to get me to come back or actually thought I was decent looking or not, but the song ended a second or two after this final bold move of hers and I don't even remember setting down the mic but I was out the door.

I got a ride home from the kind teachers , who I forgot to mention paid for my entire part of the bill. It was a 50,000 yen ($500.00 USD) bill that they split 5 ways instead of 6, not listening to my pleas to help pay. What amazingly nice people the Japanese are, I just can't get over it. I did earn the distinguished title of gozen-san (Mr. Morning) when one of the female teachers asked how long we were out the next Monday (Around 3:00 am btw). Everyone else just made comments about how I was so tsuyoi sake (Strong with alcohol). I'm makin' Reno look good, internationally.

In closing, I just saw a Mcdonalds commercial and a happy meal is called a "happy set". Awesome. Also, Pokemon is on the TV right now, and I have to say Ash's American voice is pretty spot on to his Japanese one. One thing I don't get though is why Team Rocket hasn't just given up on getting that damn Pikachu. I mean come on guys, it's been 11 years an you are still no closer, just give it up! Shouldn't their boss have laid them off by this point or something? (That's right, poke-pride FTW.)

The Haircut

2009-05-01T00:00:00.000-07:00

As the days have been dragging on recently, I've come to the conclusion that I desperately need a haircut. As such, I found a wonderful little place right in front of the nearby train station, and took the time to hop on in during my day off.

There was one person working at the time, and it took me a second to decipher if it was male or female due to the fashionable attire (very pink shirt) and long, flowing locks. I became quite happy when I realized it was a man, because him being metro meant I would definitely get an awesome haircut, and sure enough, I did.

Let me start by saying that the Japanese don't screw around with anything they make/do. If a Japanese person is going to perform a service, he will pride himself on having performed it 138% (the maximum percentile a Japanese person can perform at). He sat me down in the chair, and immediately went to work with the scissors once I picked out (from the pictures, yes!) what type of sides and back I wanted for my cut. Throughout the course of this haircut, never once was any sort of electric razor plugged into any wall. Electric razors are for amateurs and pedophiles. This man cut my hair at no less than 300 RPMs... Seriously. I counted. He had about 5 snips per second. An electric razor would have just slowed him down at this point.

Once he was done with the amazingly thorough scissor and comb snipping, he pulled out his giant mirror and asked if the back was sufficient (again, wonderful service). As we made a bit of small talk (consisting of me thinking of one question to ask, then him talking quite fast for a number of minutes and me, without understanding of course, simply making an affirmative grunting noise whenever he ended a sentence with "ne?") he pulled out the straight blade and shaving cream. Were I not the bearded wonder I am, I would have gotten a full facial shave too, but instead he just shaved the back and sides down to perfection.

Hair is serious business here in Japan, with no less than 5 barber poles spinning on every square block. They are kinda expensive too (Mine ran 3000 yen ($30.00 USD)) but worth every penny. I have included a picture of the pure, unadulterated sex that is me post-haircut.

(GQ, when you see this please ask for permission before using)

BUT THE STORY DOESN'T STOP THERE GOOD SIR AND/OR MADAM!

Of course not, because that would be too simple.

As I was walking home from my haircut, I ran paths with an older man with quite the bowlegged funny walk. He was taking up most of the designated walking area known as the sidewalk, and worst of all heading straight for me. I walked out into the road, narrowly avoiding a cataclysmic and awkward running into of each other, and in the process said a simple "Konnichiwa!" to him as I passed.

He stopped. He turned around and called me over, beckoning. He looked old and harmless enough, but not quite right in the ole' noggin. His first words to me were "Shigoto onegaishimasu.", which I could only take as "Please give me a job." I tried telling him I didn't have one to give, and he talked to me for the next 10 minutes about nothing which I understood at all. At some point he somehow got my phone number (they have an amazing persistance of standing there making you feel bad until you cave in) and then mentioned something about how Japanese people without jobs are rather lonely, and that we need to drink together sometime.

I dunno if this is going to work because A) he doesn't get that I don't speak Japanese, and 2) (little Mad About You reference for anyone kickin' it old school) I think he'd expect me to pay for it, him not having a job and all. Sneaky sneaky for that alcoholic drinky.

The Students: Part Duex

2009-04-29T00:00:00.000-07:00

As with any good story, I have spent a while focusing on the setting. I've been giving details about the world, the environment, and the laws governing.

Things would get dull however, if there was nobody living in this world, so enter stage right the first of my characters.

Not using real names of course, I'm calling the first of my peoples:

"Smiles"

Why? Because 24/7 the jerk has a shit-eating grin on his face, and I'm talking a serious one too.

Now, if you have ever truly seen a S.E.G. (just to cut down my swearing and keep things classy) you will never ever forget it. It's something that in my opinion cannot accurately be explained, but once you have seen it you know exactly what Willis was talkin' about.

(I spent 45 minutes looking for this gem from my Gamestop Employee days. A fine example of an S.E.G. in progress ...I hate this kid. And that job. And that company.)

I like most the kids as my school. But everyone needs an antagonist it seems and Smiles is mine. Everything I say this little bastard mocks me for. He does it very loud and very proud. He sits in the front of class and loudly talks with his friends the entire time, ignoring anything said with exception to of course making fun of me. I'm sure I'm going to have many wonderful stories of Smiles in the months to come.

But to keep this post lovely and positive, let me talk a little about more happy rainbow unicorn oriented things.

Generally speaking, I find it rather amazing how close school friends are here. Girls will walk together holding hands, and boys will generally hang on each other. They will literally walk up behind a friend, wrap their arms around them, and just walk with them to the lunch line or something, even sometimes in groups of three or four.

I find this quite refreshing simply because they don't have to worry about their actions being considered gay, or being made fun of for any reason. They are close to their friends and considering soon they will be adults (where the over closeness of childhood flips around 100% into an anti touching society) it's nice they get a chance to bond. I should also note Japanese don't screw around when it comes to friends. When they make a friend, the plan is a friend for life and they don't generally deal with short term engagements.

(A product of a country that doesn't have severe homophobia. Rednecks would be having a field day.)

Another happy story lies in an application recently recieved by the teachers over a prefecture sponsored 8 day homestay to Australia called 少年の翼 (Shounen no Tsubasa, or "The children's wings"). The JTE (Japanese Teacher of English) walked up to me today and told me the application she just received focused mainly on myself. Wanting to know what the student thought, I gently pulled a chair up to the warm campfire.

I can't remember everything he said, as it was one of those touching emotional moments where I am too busy stifeling tears to catch every detail, but he did mention how he's become rather intrigued of the outside world because of me. He said I seemed rather smart, I was very macho (they love this word), and "my smile just draws students in and makes them want to learn" (I dunno about this one, but if so, awesome). He wrote about how he wants to know more about how my life was growing up, and what it is like for me to be living in a foreign country where I don't speak the language all that well. And of course he wants to do this by going abroad himself, even if it is only for a week. What a kid. I like him.

He also said he wanted to be a pilot when he grew up, awesome. I give him props (no pun intended).

The Golden Rule

2009-04-27T15:23:00.000-07:00

I have experienced time and again that suffering is paramount to success in the fine country. The great thing is though, that in all honesty perceived suffering will get you much further than actual suffering will. Going home and spending hours working on that TPS report isn't worth nearly as much here as sitting at your desk until 9:00 at night discreetly looking at pornography.

Because of this, the Japanese have many wonderful meetings and other pointless, asinine things so they are stuck at work longer than they need to be. Take yesterday for instance, as I was just getting ready to leave for the day...

*cue flashback*

On a daily basis I generally try to stay at work until around 4:00. I usually stay 5-10 minutes later just to put on a good show and not seem like a jerk. As I was just packing up and getting ready to leave I noticed all the teachers were at their desks, and this never happens. Literally as I was starting to stand up one of them shouts "Ok, time to start the meeting!"

*cue suffering*

I can't leave once this happens. It would be rude to. They stand up one at a time and talk about things. Dumb things. There is no point to Japanese teacher meetings. Let me give you a quick rundown of the HOUR AND A HALF meeting I had to sit through:

-The vice principal spent most his time sitting in the chair asleep, the lucky bastard.

-They have booklets for everything talked about. This would be a point to keep me interested, but I DIDN'T EVEN GET A BOOKLET. Now I'm just completely lost, and don't even have anything to look at.

-Literally 95% of what they talked about was the following (I couldn't understand a lot of course, but I got some of this):

"Issue 35: Student (Name) from class 2-1. He has an older brother in class 3-1."
"Issue 42: Student (Name) from class 1-2. He has no friends in his class."
"Issue 54 (It did go higher than this I assure you): Student (Name) from class 3-2. He has been talking quite a bit with student (name) from class 3-1. They might start dating soon. Will keep posted."

This is just the little tidbits I understood. Talking about each student took about 3 minutes each, everything from their haircut to their attire (and they all wear the same uniform here). I'm not saying I don't appreciate the fact that they try to take a serious role in the children's lives, but I don't think we need weekly meetings about this.

On the plus side, I did get a nice cookie right before the meeting started.

(Score.)

The One Liner

2009-04-23T01:28:00.001-07:00

As I walked into the class I was having lunch in today, two girls walked up staring at me. One pushed the other into me and said "Casey-sensei, a present for you!"

Pedobear would be in heaven right now.

The Race

2009-04-21T16:47:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest, most important events at any Japanese school is the taiikusai, or sports festival. Every school has this (mostly in fall because it's considered the most prosperous time for such things), and the students will train day and night so they can do the best possible in these events. My school holds their festival in the middle of May however, because they are just too damn excited to wait til the end of the year for things.

We went through a big practice run which took up the entire morning (nice) and allowed me to wear my track suit all day (even nicer). Our particular festival is broken down into 5 events:

-150m dash: 5 students each take turns competing in a 150 meter dash, 'nuff said.

-All Star Relay: All classes compete in a class-wide relay race. Very hip.

-Mukade race: 4 or 5 students are strapped to two planks, one for each foot. As such, they have to be perfectly in step in order to go anywhere. Mukade (centipede) races are a blast to watch for a number of reasons. For one there is something empowering about listening to their rythmic chants as they keep in sync, "Sei, no, hai hai hai hai hai hai hai!". It's also amazing when a group is truly in sync (seriously, some of these kids jet off faster than a car and leave trails of fire behind them), but best of all there is nothing funnier than seeing one mess up and all of them fall in what can only be compared to a highway pile up.

-Representative Relay: Chosen members from each class are put against other classes in a best of the best relay race. Not as epic in scale as the all star, but still pretty fun to watch.

-Class Jump Rope: Two members of the class hold the jump rope and start swinging it with just enough room for a student to jump through it. The class lines up and all jump through it one at a time. They try to see how many students they can get through in 5 minutes. (Apparently our school holds the Ibaraki prefecture record, when last years 3rd year students managed to get about 700 something jumps. Wowie whee wow.)

This isn't about the sports festival though, I'll talk about that later when it happens. This is about the 150 meter dash.

As students were taking their turns running this most heated of competitions, I walked over to the last group of the second years and started talking with them. They asked me to race with them, and seeing it as a great way to get points with the chillins' I agreed. As line after line of students slowly took turns shooting off the starting line, the kids with me were getting more and more pumped they were about to race not only a teacher, but a foreign one as well (woo.)

About two rows from our turn, many of the other students started seeing me and were getting excited as well (this suddenly became a big thing, I rock). The kids on the sidelines started chanting my name and clapping for me, which I must admit made me feel pretty dang good. I was pumped. I wasn't sure if my old bones could handle an entire 150 meters of running, but I was gonna give it my best either way.

We walked up to the starting line, and one of the teachers fired the capgun. All of us took off in a blaze of glory. People were cheering, people were screaming, I'm sure someone was preparing to sacrifice a goat there was so much excitement going on. I got so into it I really tried pushing myself (let's just get it out of the way here: yes, I'm trying against a bunch of 13 year old kids. Happy now? They're Japanese and as such quick little hooligans) and was able to pull ahead. I turned the first corner and the world was my oyster. I turned the second corner and I had an entire oyster farm. As I made my way to the finish line it seemed like victory was secured.

...Then it happened.

Just like in any movie, mere feet away from the victory of a lifetime, something goes wrong. As I was making that final stretch, I suddenly heard one of the kids screaming at the top of his lungs right behind me (He was drafting me, the little bugger! These Japanese are crafty.) I turned my head and saw how close he was, then tried to push myself that little extra bit to make it to the end.

There was apparently a miscommunication between body part A and body part B, because next thing I know I'm flying straight through the air and my face has a one way ticket to dirts-ville. In my sudden autopilot crash safety state (which I'm pretty proud of now, thinking about it) I managed to flip myself over in the air, so instead of my face skidding on the dirt for the next 8 feet it was mainly by back, nice.

I had stopped a mere 7 inches from the finish line. Obviously.

Either way, I lost horribly. But I bounced back up and jumped in the air with my arms up, using body language to show how champ I am. All the kids I raced against were laughing and having a ball, I consider this a success. One of them walked up to me, put his arm around me and said "Casey-sensei, hayai desu ne." ( Mr. Casey, you're fast, you know that?) Once I got back to the rest of the kids, a number of them would walk by and casually try dusting me off a bit, sometimes in silence, sometimes asking if I was ok. It was pretty dang cool in my opinion.

Quick note: I also ordered books from amazon.co.jp two days ago, and last night at 9:30 a man rang my doorbell (This always happens when I'm not wearing pants, I think they know this) with the package in hand. I'm amazed how freaking quick things get done in this country.

The Food

2009-04-19T00:48:00.000-07:00

I've had a lot of food since getting here, and most of what I've been putting into my body I haven't had any idea what it was.

Most of the time it seems I can bet on it being fish or a vegetable of some sort (many times pickled), and that's fine. I just hope it's good for me at least. There is one thing in particular I feared coming into the country however, and after having experienced it firsthand I am more afraid than I ever have been.

In a word: Natto.

Natto, or fermented soy beans, may look like a sweet delicious party in your mouth at first glimpse, but get within 36 feet of this bad boy and you'll immediately enter fight or flight mode. The smell alone is warning enough for most to get the hell out of there, but in an attempt to try new things I purposely went against my survival instinct which has served me well for so many years.

(Me trying natto for the first time)

The taste?

Words cannot describe the horror that is this beany devil. As the chopsticks came ever closer to my mouth, I started hyperventilating, sweating profusely, and somehow found God. There is apparently a reason our bodies tell us things aren't good, and this reason lies somewhere in the fact that these things are BAD.

Thankfully I am not south enough to be in the "we love killing ourselves" part of the country, and I hope I never make contact with this pure, unadulterated evil again. Dan, if you are reading this, you're absolutely insane. I'll personally ship all the natto in Japan straight to you in Reno if it means getting it further away from me. To the rest of Reno; God forgive me.

The Students

2009-04-15T06:17:00.000-07:00

(QUICK RANT: I just saw bewbies on national TV and am very happy at the fact that this country isn't quite so stupid and prude concerning this. Nothing angered me more than having every stupid parent buying their child an M (18+) game:

Me: "Just to let you know, this game is rated mature."

Dumbass Parent: "It's fine. I don't care if my kid sees all this decapitation and blood and killing. It's nothing more than they see on the news everyday anyway."

Me: "Actually you can see partial nudity in the form of half a shadowed bum."

Person who should not be procreating: "WHAT!??! OH MY GAWD! HOW DARE YOU! I WILL SUE THIS PLACE! I WILL BE DAMNED IF MY CHILD SEES A NAKED BODY EVER IN HIS AND/OR HER LIFE! AWGAAHHGAAAAAGAGGGGAAGG!!! *foaming of the mouth*

-dialogue may be slightly exagerated.

Thank you for your time.)

Two posts in one day?!

I know, sometimes I amaze even myself! This is warranted however, as I find the following topic quite touching and I wanted it to have it's own spot.

I have to first say that in one of todays classes, the students were making "What am I?" riddles in English. Most were pandas or pokemon, but on in particular was awesome to the max and deserves the worlds praise:

"I am macho and big"
"I am from another country"
"I teach English"

Casey-sensei for the mother effing win.

I proceeded to flex for the children at this point, as I knew no other course of action. I think I am well on my way to winning them over.

The main event of this topic however, comes from a class later in the day, a first year Jr High class I havent taught before. At the end of the class, a girl came running out as I was leaving, shouting in adorable English "Mister Keishii! Mister Keishii!" I turned around and she opened up her planner and pulled this out (forgive the poor picture quality):

I was truly moved, bowed to her and told her I was very thankful. If it wasn't for the fact that every time I cry it causes the depression of an entire country, I might have shed a tear. I feel somewhat bad though, as I never caught her name. I spose I have a whole year to figure it out though. (Her drawing skills are better than mine too, haha)

I do plan on keeping it on my desk though, hopefully if she ever walks in she will see it there and know its value.

The First Week of Teaching and the Pub

2009-04-11T22:57:00.000-07:00

With this last week has come a new understanding of the Japanese school system, a long kept ancient secret, like ninjas, or how they get the juice into Gushers.

The earlier things in the week I have already mentioned, such as the opening ceremonies, but what's new is me actually teaching! In the introduction lessons I have had, there have been a few exciting events.

All the children introduced themselves to me in English for one, and while most are pretty bland, there are some relatively hilarious ones. Once or twice there have been the students who (in my opinion deserve an A right off the bat) say "My name is ____, I am from ____. I like Casey. Casey is very strong and very cool." At one point a class erupted into applause when I answered a question "Yes, I do know Yu-Gi-Oh.", but then got sad when my next response was "No, I don't have any Yu-Gi-Oh cards."

I was also asked if I knew any Japanese comedians. The only one I could think of off the top of my head was Hard Gay. As such, the children (and teacher) had me act him out with a glee in their eyes. This would be classified as illegal back in the US, as pelvic thrusting towards a group of 12 year olds is generally looked down upon. In this country however, the teacher even acted it out too (being like 50).

(Video down more, can't get it to work right.)

Other differences in school are the fact that for one, they all eat in their classrooms. Every class elects a couple students a day to go help out and bring up the food to the room, then they all dish out their portions and eat. Even better is the fact that they all wait to eat until everyone has their food. What politeness! They even get to take over the school intercom for lunch everyday and play whatever music they want. Hip. Oh, I'm eating with them now too, as most the teachers do, neato. I had a couple girls telling me what bands are cool and how awesome my eyes were being green.

(the end of part two is quite awesome)

They also have an extreme heartwrenching ability to take care of their own. Not only is there not a special needs class because they are mixed in with the classes, but anyone with a disability does not have to worry in the least about being treated poorly. None of the other students will ever tell you someone is special needs, and the only way to tell is because they all take care of him or her. Leaving the last ceremony, I noticed one of the stronger kids carrying one of the disabled ones on his back. They take it rather seriously, I like this.

Another thing is that boys and girls both also change into their track uniforms in the same room. While they aren't really showing anything since they wear some of it under their normal outfit, it's still also nice to not see such rediculousness concerning something thats so normal.

--------------------------------------

Concerning the pub.

I went to what I thought might have been a foreigner pub last weekend... turns out it was more a snack bar. This basically means it's a place where women are hired to drink your beer and flirt with you. So I walked in and ordered a beer, not really realizing (I got drunk before I left the house to try and keep things cheap) what it was, but then came to the realization quickly when 4 Filipino women suddenly surrounded me and poured my beer, then asked if they could have some too.

Being drunk though, I didn't much care. Seeing how they spoke English quite well and Japanese, I figured it would be a good opportunity to practice mine. Two of the girls who sat on either side of me were definitely trying to be flirty, and in the least manly thing I can possibly do the drunken me ignored it because I just wanted to talk damn Japanese (though seeing as how they get paid for this, it wasn't anything serious anyway so I'm probably smarter than I thought drunk). A third lady was older and turned out to be the bartender. I offered her a drink as well (being drunk I'm awfully giving... something I'm sure they bank on), but she kindly refused and just wanted to talk. She was ok in my book. Finally a woman who had to have been about 50 and maybe 4'5" walked up, plopped down across from me, asked in a canned question "Can I drink some beer too?" then went to town. She would fill up her glass, tilt her head back, and challenge me to do the same. Repeat.These aren't small beers. They are the big Asahis you can get at sushi restaraunts, and the glasses they pour them into are small so many can drink.

We went through about 3 in 20 minutes, and I had maybe a quarter to a half of each one... mostly thanks to the crazy boozing grandma. Either way, they suddenly apologize and set a piece of paper in front of me with the number 6,000 on it. As in the bill. They were closing (earlier than normal) and for 20 min and 3 beers it cost me $62.00 USD (I was talked into doing a karaoke song, and upon starting to sing she said "Oh... I'm gonna need 200 yen from ya for that."). Lame. Turns out it was 10 bucks a beer and 30 bucks just to get in... more so because I came alone. Lame twice.

Oh well, there went that idea for a cheap time. I did get to practice Japanese a bit though I guess. (Sorry, no pictures for this one.)

The Opening Ceremony

2009-04-08T00:47:00.000-07:00

Apparently the opening ceremony is a time honored tradition so important, it's right up there with marriage, the emperors birthday, and the creation of the universe. It's the welcoming of new students into the school, and a lot of high ranking people show up, even to our itty bitty school. I do have to say it was all very formal, and they use language they literally do not use for any other occasion (which would explain why I understood so little). It was about half way through though, when I realized that I am witness (even got to be a part of for like 5 seconds introducing myself) to something only a small portion of the world will ever get to see, even those who want to are mostly crap out of luck. That's kind of an amazing thought imo.

It's such a celebration that one of the teachers handed me a cup with sakuracha (tea made from the sakura petals outside), something only drank at these most special of times. It wasn't bad, but I'll stick with green tea, thanks.

(Note: Mine had like 4 blossoms in it instead of just one because I am so much more special, obviously)

Later in the day a student got my attention in the teachers room and I accidentally responded in Japanese, which after jumping 12 feet in the air and 30 feet back, she said in Japanese herself "Eh?! You can speak Japanese?!" In a mode of panic my only English response was "Uh...what? No!" because letting students know you speak Japanese (even a bit) is comparable to Tony Stark revealing he is Iron Man in the movie, like so:

Disaster averted.

The Hanami and the First Day of Work

2009-04-06T02:06:00.000-07:00

The Japanese look for any excuse to have a good time, and a hanami (flower viewing party) is no exception. Basically, it's gathering under the Sakura (cherry blossom) trees for the little bit of time you get in April and boozing and snacking all day. It's a literal blast. I met a couple of new people there, but I doubt I'll get a chance to see them regularly since it's quite a trip to reach their area (about a 2 hour train ride away). During the hanami, I did get to do a couple of awesome things though. One, I got to hang out and learn a bunch from the awesomeness I hope to one day be that is Marty, I tried a bunch of good beers and drinks, and even tried some raw horse, which was pretty tasty if I do say so myself. I actually took a lot of pictures, so I'll try and cut it down a bit for ya.

I ended up getting a little hammered, and on the way back to my station unknowingly got on a rapid express train which passed my stop and cost me extra money, boo. Fun time though, way awesome.

The next day was the start of school, and it was quite interesting itself. I went through with the entrance ceremony, where I got up in front of the school and introduced myself, then was shown my desk and met the staff. They all seem pretty sweet, so I'm excited to actually learn Japanese and get into the groove of things.

Oh, I did happen to read this in one of my lesson plans too. I was literally sitting at my desk holding back tears by the end of it. I have to teach kids this? I'll leave you with this bundle of joy, haha.

------------------------------------
A big, old tree stands by a road near the city of Hiroshima. Through the years, it has seen many things.
One summer night the tree heard a lullaby. A mother was singing to her little girl under the tree.
They looked happy, and the song sounded sweet. But the tree remembered something sad.
"Yes, it was some sixty years ago. I heard a lullaby that night, too."
On the morning of that day, a big bomb fell on the city of Hiroshima. Many people lost their lives, and many others were injured. They had burns all over their bodies. I was very sad when I saw those people.
It was a very hot day. Some of the people fell down near me. I said to them, "Come and rest in my shade. You'll be all right soon."
Night came. Some people were already dead. I heard a weak voice. It was a lullaby. A young girl was singing to a little boy.
"Mommy! Mommy!" the boy cried.
"Don't cry," the girl said. "Mommy is here." Then she began to sing again.
She was very weak, but she tried to be a mother to the poor little boy. She held him in her arms like a real mother.
"Mommy," the boy was still crying.
"Be a good boy," said the girl. "You'll be all right." She held the boy more tightly and began to sing again.
After a while the boy stopped crying and quietly died. But the little mother did not stop singing. It was a sad lullaby. The girl's voice became weaker and weaker.
Morning came and the sun rose, but the girl never moved again.

The First Glimpse of Reality

2009-04-05T07:02:00.000-07:00

I was just privileged to the experience of riding the train all the way to Saitama (about 70 miles away) and saw the dark side of Japan.

I saw the stares, because I'm not welcome.

I saw the disdain, because I'm not desired.

I saw the disgust, because I'm a "necessary evil".

... How am I supposed to survive in a country that doesn't want me?

Tomorrow is the hanami update, because it's more positive.

The Business Trip

2009-04-02T22:03:00.000-07:00

Finally having an iron steed of my own, today I set off on adventure to not only find my school, but try and alleviate some of the nervousness I have concerning purposely driving on the wrong side of the road.

First of all, when I got my car yesterday, I immediately learned that not only was the driver's side switched (of course), but so was the transmission, the blinkers, and every damn thing else. Every time I try and turn I end up turning on my windshield wipers.

Other than that, I'd have to say it's a pretty swell car. You can even see it thanks to the amazing power of my cell phone.

Upon receiving it I immediately had to fuel it up, so my Japanese helper lady (who's mighty swell herself) went with me to the gas station, somehow without screaming in fear while in the passenger seat. Before gassing up by the way, you have to touch a plate on the gas station which dissipates the static electricity you have built up. Is this really a problem? Should this be instituted back in America then (and would anyone even do it)? Either way, just when I thought I was finished with the joy of spending money and fueling my new vehicle, suddenly three reels started spinning at my station! Holy crap how exciting! While I didn't hit three of a kind, I did get one yen off of each liter purchased, to which you simply scan your receipt and it dispenses your extra cash. Awesome.

When I went to meet the teachers of my school, I noticed an ongoing trend that the most amazing thing to any Japanese person ever is the fact that I am 22 years old. Upon mentioning this there has not been a person yet who has not let out a gasp of impressiveness. The teacher I will be working under introduced me to the teachers room (about 20 teachers full at the time), and upon shouting "He's only 22!" in Japanese the surprise was so apparent I think at least one of them had a brain aneurysm. One man even started clapping for me excitedly. I think it will be a good place to work, but we shall see soon enough, ne?

P.S. The key has the door lock button built right into it. That's hip.

The Best Gameshow Ever

2009-04-02T17:33:00.000-07:00

I was flipping through channels yesterday night, when I found what I would describe as the most amazing gameshow in the history of mankind ever invented. Doing some research this morning, I found out the show is called

逃走中, which translates roughly to "In the Midst of Flight"

To put it simply, this is a show where a number of contestants are put in a large area (last nights episode was Ikebukuro in Tokyo), and must avoid capture by five men in black suits and sunglasses known as Hunters. Basically it's The Matrix meets a giant game of tag, and I approve of this greatly.

The longer they avoid capture, the more money they get. There are a number of missions that are relayed to the contestants through their cell phones throughout each of the hour long stages, such as needing to meet up with another contestant in order to deactivate an alarm on your arm that would go off in 15 minutes, or getting as many as you could to stand on a giant scale to make the winnings increase at a faster rate.

At one point they were given a mission where they needed to find three sets of numbers across town within 20 minutes to stop a set of three stretch hummers from bringing more hunters. They stopped two of them, but I found myself in completely control of the television, reeling in fear as the last truck pulled up and 8 more suited men poured out of the car in full sprint to try and find the last few remaining people. I'm sure this must sound pretty boring for me to drag on about some show, so I've included a clip of an older episode. (You should definitely watch at least up until the 3:30 minute mark, and the introduction of "Black Santa" and their "Bazooka Search Lights". This show is so freaking cool.)

I did take notice, not only with this show but with all Japanese television, the complete lack of stupid drama. There isn't any "I can't believe Stacy sold out James so she would cheat on him with Tom, OMGz!" Instead it just seems 99% of Japanese people are hilarious when they get on TV, because they all crack jokes. I have seen a number of shows I like so far and wish America would get the hint, though good luck shutting down a section of New York for 3-4 hours in order to film a gameshow, I know it's tough.

Another point of interest concerning TV for me is a Coke commerical I recently saw. While I found it awesome, I also realized it would never be shown in America. It's about a white guy holding a coke with two straws, and as he shares with people he takes some aspect of theirs, such as a guys mohawk, a birds beak and legs, and the best part of all, turning himself black when he sees a random black guy on the street. Haha, classic cool. (I looked for the commerical online, but couldn't find it)

I've watched more TV in the past week than I have in the past 4 years. Crazy!

I'm done ranting about TV now.

The Keitai

2009-03-31T18:09:00.000-07:00

It finally arrived! The blessed and glorious pure embodiment of Japanese culture. In short, the keitai (cell phone).

The most important part: My phone number: 08040790851 (Japanese country code +81)
My e-mail address: cooleyc3@softbank.ne.jp
(Feel free to call or mail me anytime! E-mail is free and I never pay for incoming calls, even from another country, woo!)

The Japanese live and die by this technological marvel. Whereas once they wielded katana, now it is keitai. Even simply plugging a cord into the phone isn't considered cool enough, so instead you get a base charger to plug it into (pictured above). Rock on. I assembled a crack team of a hundred scientists to unravel the mysteries of this electronic lifeblood, yet still very little is known. Let me show you what little we have discovered:

1. E-mail.

Texting? No, texting is for chumps and hobos. Apparently I have been living in a box somewhere for quite some time because I am only just discovering e-mail is truly where its at. Not only does every phone get their own personal e-mail account, but you can animate the hell out of them, because simply reading a message isn't extreme enough for the Japanese. Glimpse (and forgive for the poor quality).

2. Dictionary

This bad boy even has a full dictionary included, which is apparently pretty standard for Japanese phones. Word I don't know? Blam. Taken care of.

...except it's all in Japanese still, but let's not mind that.

3. Video Chat

This offers full video chat as well. Holy Crap, why should I ever leave my house again when it's like they were right there in front of me?

4. News Feed

There is a live news feed that scrolls across the bottom of my phone. 'nuff said.

5. Credit Card/Commuter pass

In keeping the essence of convenience, your keitai can also become not only a commuter pass for the train and bus, but a full credit card as well. For example, simply walking up to a vending machine and waving your phone in front of it will give you access to all the glorious goodies within.

6. Sharing information

When getting your phone, you create a full profile for yourself, much like a phonebook entry. This holds a picture of you, you name, phone number, e-mail, birthday, and whatever other crap you deem necessary. Simple enough, right? Well the real joy comes when you meet someone new. By holding your phones up to each other you can, using infared, transmit all of your information to each other in an instant. Finished are the days of "Oh, what's your number? How do I spell that? Hold still for a picture. Why am I so lame?"

7. Camera

I find this to be the true pièce de résistance of the phone so far. Say I see one of these bad boys on a billboard or in a magazine:

What do I make of this indecipherable puzzle? Simply take a picture of it (works with some barcodes too) and it will give me all the information stored within. These sometimes hold important pieces of info or even website links. Holy crap. Amazing.

Another scanning feature of the camera (mine is 2.0 megapixels by the way, not too shabby if I do say so myself), is the ability to scan text and kanji for it to translate and read out to you some more. Why these people haven't taken over the whole world yet, I'll never know.

The Filler

2009-03-30T17:04:00.000-07:00

I figure it's been a few days since I have last written a blog, and much like a newlywed couple and sex, if there isn't a lot of it going on in the beginning, how the hell will it last down the road?

While nothing in itself has been particularly blog-worthy (I've mostly been staying at home to wait for the delivery of both my car and cell phone), there have been little sparks of interest, so I'll list those I can remember here.

-Last night Alf was on TV... straight 80's dubbed over Alf. It was funnier in another language because I didn't understand anything they were saying.

-I made dinner for myself last night using my new pots and pans, for some reason chicken here is amazingly cheap yet such higher quality than our own, and rice is way more expensive. Those Japanese should probably open up the import on rice. (One small bag right now is seriously over 10 bucks at the super cheap mart). I couldn't decide what I wanted so I threw everything in all at once! It was high quality chicken breast (literal translation of sasami), basil, garlic, oregano, black pepper, chili powder, lemon juice, and yakiniku sauce (delicious stuff).

-Japanese TV is super fast paced. In fact, on most shows (which consists of famous people sitting in a bunch of chairs talking, really...this is most Japanese TV) they talk so fast the Japanese often have subtitles just so they can understand what's said. The later ones generally are pretty funny though, I enjoy them. They also work entirely around billboards they hold. Billboards do everything.

-Japanese TV also has a MASSIVE obsession with food. I don't know how anyone can be skinny here they show so much good food. I would be out eating everything if I could understand them.

-They are way strict on separating garbage into combustible, non-combustible, and pet bottles (like plastic soda bottles and such). There are fines for not doing this.

-I bought a bathroom seat so you can sit in the shower, as is Japanese custom... it's really not as cool as it sounds.

That's all I can think of for now, time to sit down to a hearty breakfast of Corn Frosty with Tony the Tiger (at least his name is the same)!

The Trip to the Post Office.

2009-03-26T23:25:00.000-07:00

Japanese kindness is the most amazing thing I think I have ever seen in my life.

As you may well know, today I was supposed to meet up with my new Japanese friend (from last night) and he was going to go with me on the train to the nearby city to finally pick up my elusive package (turns out it was my bank book, not as exciting as I may have thought). As if this wasn't a kind enough gesture, the country of Japan decided to kick it into overdrive and really show me the meaning of the word.

First of all, instead of walking up to the station, my good friend drove up. Why? Because we weren't taking the train at all, he was going to personally drive me there. Then when I showed him the card I received in the mail, he called the number and talked to the lady for me too to find out the details!

I apparently didn't feel bad enough about this grand act of humanitarianism, so it was kicked up another notch when he told me my package wasn't in fact in the nearby city, but instead in one much further away. I told him that if it was further it was ok, and I would be more than happy to take the train and find it myself, but no! He said only "I will take you, let's go!" On top of that, he told me we would have to wait for an hour before my package would be back at the office, so when we finally got to the larger city we stopped off for food, to which he even offered to pay for! Holy crap man, does he know no end to the altruism?! Of course, that was too much for me and I wouldn't have had it any other way than myself paying (just so you know I'm not an ass). An interesting side note, we were watching live TV in his car the whole time. (read: reasons Japan is the future).

After the meal, we made our way to the post office, picked up the package, and then he even drove me straight to my house! This whole ordeal look somewhere along the lines of 3 hours, to which the only comment he made about it was "Thank you so much for the meal, next time I will buy!"

Seriously? Seriously?! This is the sort of stuff you see in the movies... I'm expecting a young Haley Joel Osment to get stabbed at school.

P.S. They also just said "Fuck" on TV in English. I find that just swell ^_^

The First Outing.

2009-03-26T16:14:00.000-07:00

So last night was the first official outing into this crazy new world and all the bars it has to offer.

The first bar I went to I was turned away at the door, it almost sounded like she said something along the lines of "If you would like to drink, please do it at home", but I'm sure that's wrong. Either way, I moved on to the next adventure.

The second bar I came to was empty when I walked in, and they told me they weren't open yet either, so I pushed forward once more!

Finally, I came across a yakitori house (bite size pieces of chicken on a bamboo skewer cooked over charcoal) and the drunken stupor began! It was a local shop run by one man named Sanji and his daughter, and even though he didn't speak any English, he was still extremely kind to me, plus the food was mighty delicious.

焼き鳥　　　 yakitori

Once word got around that I was an English teacher, the real magic happened. One man who spoke a bit of English and wanted to practice started talking to me from across the bar, first with basic questions, such as "Where are you from?" "How long have you lived in Japan?" so on and so forth. As the night (and his alcohol consumption) went on, the questions were ramped up, so by the end of the night I was answering the following:

-Do you like Japanese women or American women?

-Like boobs? Which is best? A cup, B cup, C cup, D cup?

-Do you like Sanji or women?

-Isn't Sanji's daughter beautiful? Would you like to marry her?

- Do you like sex?

-Down there, you black? White? Brown?

Drunk Japanese people are absolutely awesome.

On a more touching note, I also met a met another man in the bar that night who after a good amount of dialogue exchanged gave me his phone number and said we could be friends, to call him at any time. Tomorrow he is even meeting me at the train station and personally taking me to the next town to pick up a package I have waiting for me.

This is the one country where a stranger can ask you to follow them to another city and they aren't trying to murder you. Heart wrenching kindness, ne?

The Homestead.

2009-03-24T19:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the relocation and now I am officially in my city of Kasumigaura.

With moving in came a whole host evidence supporting the fact that Japan is actually the future. Let me fill you in on some of these.

1. The Key

This is the key to my apartment. This is not a key, this is an oversized dog tag. Yet somehow it gets me into my technologically advanced crime fighting super center.

2. The Front Door

Whenever someone rings the door bell (or at my own discretion), I can turn on the camera and speaker that shows me whoever is outside. While I understand that rich people have this in America, Japan makes even the poorest of men feel like a king. Rock on.

3. The Toilet

Look at that. Sitting down on this thing equates to flying a spaceship. There are more controls on this HEATED seat than there are horses in a Ferrari. With one button I get a swell bidet, another will give me a gentle full ass spray. I can adjust the strength of the water, and even choose how much power to use when flushing the toilet. It also has a built in deodorizer. Did I mention the seat is heated? Waking up this morning in my cold house I discovered this truly is a throne.

4. The Air Conditioner

It has a remote control... to me that's just cool.

5. The Bathroom

Other than the fact that the entire room is a bath and the tub is deep enough that you can completely submerge yourself, that little panel on the wall lets me do a couple of cool things. This includes blowing a blast of cool air in there for those hot summer days, flushing the air from the bath, and best of all turning it into a dryer for my clothes in case the weather is crappy.

6. The Washer

Included is a washer. It is not technologically advanced, but I can't figure out how to use it, so I'm including it in here.

UPDATE- The kind Japanese lady helping me came in and fixed it for me. Turns out there was a knob on the floor I needed to turn. Go Japan.

7. Interwebs

The internet is included here, which is nice. Better yet though, it is also hooked up to the TV. I can do a bunch of special crap though the "Leo-Net", and I haven't figured out what any of it is yet.

Awesome.

The first real blog

2009-03-22T14:47:00.000-07:00

Just because I wouldn't want to let my number one hero down (A Mr. Jerz), I made a blog! Holy crap, let's see where it takes us!

Training is coming to a close for the week, and as of tomorrow I will be on my way to my new home in Kasumigaura.

I've heard a number of interesting stories since first arriving here, from a drunk and naked principal who thought he was a cicada to a man giving out single chest hairs to all of his guests at a party. Seeing something crazy is a whole different matter however.

I will be teaching elementary school and junior high school students. These each present their own hazards. For junior high school I will have to teach out of a curriculum that is standardized throughout Japan. So I open up one of the books yesterday to see what sort of thing I'll get to teach:

This is what I get to teach children about. Landmines. Landmines and children dying. There are also chapters on euthanasia, genocide, and concerts! How exciting!

Elementary school presents it's own challenges however. Namely... 浣腸 also known as The Kancho.

Words cannot describe the terror that is the kancho, so I will use handy dandy pictures found on the internet.

Children love doing this. Children love doing this especially to foreign teachers. This translates to 'giving an enema'. Let me repeat: children LOVE doing this. One of the teachers working for my company once developed hemorrhoids because too many children hit him with this deadly assault. There was a decent amount of time spent in training talking about this.

God have mercy.

Japan: Day 1 Highlights

2009-03-22T14:44:00.000-07:00

I saw a Gyu-kaku, this only appeals to Amber.

A pachinko parlor named Prego.

A restaurant named びくりドンキー, which translates to "The Surprised Donkey"

Got to hang out with a group of people from Europe, and I have to say people over there know the meaning of cool.

I saw karaoke, yoshinoya, and CoCo Curry. I can't wait to try them.

Checked out the second most popular shrine in Japan, the Naritasan Shinsouji Temple. During new years it gets 3 million people to it, kinda intense. Very zen.

Had to pee so bad I got off at an earlier hotel then walked the rest of the way. Relief never felt so good.

I'm sure there is a ton more, but I'm overwhelmed. Goodnight.